This Is For You

Hello loves, ❤

This is for the person with anxiety. For the one with dry eyes and big dreams and a relentless spirit. For the one that is their own worst enemy and their only friend. For the one that reading this has felt the tremor of every fleeting emotion and yet, feels nothing at all.

For the one that yearns to fill their days with explosions of love, hurricanes of passion and a rainfall of peace. For the one that knows that it doesn’t matter how slowly you go as long as you don’t stop, but how much longer and will they ever get there?

This is for the person whose pulse sometimes feels like a rocket headed for space but trapped in their body. The one that feels the vibration of every noise with every fiber of their being and it hurts, but they trusts that one day their body will learn— the danger is gone.

This is for the person that has spent too many a day on a battlefield with their thoughts — running away from them or tirelessly accepting, making promises or greeting threats.

Who has always taken a double portion of responsibility and twice the guilt because they live life in parallel. A life of endless dilemmas that tear you apart; a part of you is here but the other always somewhere far away in the realm of better possibilities.

This is for the person that sometimes feels utter exhaustion without having done a thing at all, because that’s what living in their head feels like.

For the one that has used up all of their energy to try and remain calm, and is now angry because they got mountains to climb, rivers to swim in and rainbows to walk over.

For the person that has tossed and turned and tossed and turned and there isn’t a cold corner of their bedsheets left that they can cling to. For the person who has jiggled with the threat of death in their head, while their body has faithfully carried on with the day.

For the person that is small and tiny but is actually a kingdom for three: their fear, their thoughts and their loving heart. And to the one that has spent most of their days trying to make it a harmonious trio.

For the person that knows this to be true, but refuses it to see it as a sad story. For they are not a victim. But is grateful instead for their chance to grow and become their own master. They still feel the bliss in every day and slows down to smell the roses. They never forget to thank God for every waking day. Yes, to you I want to say— I see you, I feel you, I believe in you.

Your darkness is my light. The places that scare you, the situations that dare you, they glare you. They make you real and living and true. How you build yourself over and over again, with the rise of dawn every morning despite what the night had brought, how you keep trying to accept yourself despite the voices that tell you, you are hard to love. How you hope against hope, and hold tight and always breathe new life to your extinguished fire — that to me is beauty and meaning and strength. You are the first star to appear оn the night sky and defy the darkness, you are the pearl oyster covered in stardust in the debris of the sea, you are the graceful ballerina that keeps on dancing on a tightrope despite her pain.

You know not what you do, but trust me if there is one thing that brings light to this world, it is you.

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

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Coping With Anxiety & Insecurities In Relationships

Hello loves, ❤

 “Avoiding overthinking and jumping to conclusions could be the key to overcoming your relationship anxiety”

I can tell you for sure that being in a relationship can make us feel vulnerable and emotionally exposed. I had always been prone to stress and doubt and it still manifests when I’m not mindful of it.

This isn’t a strange phenomenon for people who have been hurt in the past or have had love addiction or anxiety issues in the past. Relationship anxiety can be very hard to deal with when let to build up to a certain level. In a generally healthy relationship, you’ll want to learn how to deal with relationship anxiety if you’re prone to it.

1. Review and note potential causes.

Relationships are like the wave concept in physics; they have peaks and troughs. It’s normal to have issues in a healthy relationship from time to time, and you should aim to resolve these hiccups in a respectful and gentle manner.

The problems you might be dealing with might be related to money, jealousy, doubt, and fear of abandonment. When there’s a loss of trust, a feeling of walking on eggshells, long-term stress, or excessive negativity, your relationship can feel challenging, leading to anxiety. If potential causes like these exist and compound your anxiety, you might want to seek professional help to navigate your way out of it.

2. This is hard but avoid jumping to conclusions.

You have to be mature enough to admit that the problem could be imaginary and due to your own over-thinking. Be realistic about what you can really sense in your partner. Don’t be quick to assume the worst. If you have doubts, be proactive and communicate with your partner.

When your partner talks about their feelings, be receptive and open to what they’re saying. Avoid jumping to conclusions about what they’re trying to communicate to you. Don’t imagine you understand everything about your partner’s gender and categorize their expressions or emotions in a box of your gender or personality assumptions. Do not assume any negative feelings are because of you.

3. Accept there are no perfect relationships.

Every relationship has its issues and you won’t always be in the same mindset or emotional state as your partner. It took me a while to actually accept this. I always expected my partners to give me at least 80% of themselves daily. I started having doubts whenever they couldn’t give me what I thought I wanted.

In a bid to not appear demanding, I would compel myself to give at least 80% of myself every day too, even when I knew I didn’t just have that energy level. I was on constant emotional burnout and it compounded my anxiety.

I didn’t let my partners go through their phases of life because I didn’t know if I could even be there for them. Letting yourself be natural and transparent about when you can’t give your maximum level of emotional energy helps you see the humanness of your partner too. Their decision to still stick with you and stay really sweet to you even on their low days is where the love is.

4. Recognize that relationships are different.

Having problematic relationships in the past make you distrustful of your current partner, but it’s important to realize that every relationship is different. Avoid bringing feelings from your past relationship into a current one. Recognize that your partner is a different person, with different motivations, fears and attributes. Let a past relationship go so its shadow doesn’t hang over a current one.

5. Affirm the positives.

We can sometimes focus too much on the negatives and forget the qualities we love in our partners. Instead of dwelling on negatives, take regular time-outs to celebrate the good things in your relationship. Focus on what you love about your partner and the things he or she does for you. Concentrating on the positives can make you feel more secure and allow you to fully feel the love your partner has for you.

6. Seek security in yourself.

I worked hard to rebuild my self-confidence which I realized was a powerful way to counter anxiety in a relationship. You don’t have to give your partner all the responsibility for your happiness, take some of it back and become more self-assured. This can lighten the pressure on your partner and reduce relationship tension.

7. Connect with your partner.

I learned from experience that you sometimes actually have to ask your partner to make an effort to connect and communicate with you. We’re all very different people and we may not really know one another’s commitment style. I’ve learned that you actually have to ask for a lot of things in a healthy relationship.

Asking does not mean that your relationship is falling apart, it just means that you and your partner are different individuals looking to share genuine intimacy and bond. If you’re encountering challenges in your relationship, one strategy to take is to start over anew. Clear old out emotions and perceptions and start dating as if you have just met. From here you could rebuild and rediscover the trust you had.

Connecting with your partner can also mean exchanging needs. Sit down and have a discussion about what each partner needs from the relationship. Work from your lists to do the best you can to satisfy each other’s needs.

Physical affection is also important for re-engaging with your partner. Touching, holding, and otherwise showing physical affection could help you recreate your connection and strengthen your trust to reduce anxiety.

Other ways to minimize anxiety are practicing mindfulness and targeting anxiety with stress busters (meditation, exercise, subtle social activities, long walks, and living in the present).

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

Things You Should Know If Your Partner Has Anxiety

Hello loves, ❤

Does your partner have anxiety?

The below points are great little reminders for you keep on hand ❤

1. If you’re going to go to battle, know what you’re fighting against.

Anxiety is a battle between your mind and your mind, literally. And sometimes the battle can get heinous, especially when it steps outside of your mind and into your body as a panic attack. Anxiety and panic attacks do get better with time, but it is a condition that your partner lives with forever. Loving someone with anxiety can be difficult. You need to look within yourself and determine if this is something you are capable of doing. Don’t feel ashamed if you can’t, either. There are some things that people simply cannot handle.

2. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and you have to accept this.

Once a panic attack begins, there is nothing you can do to stop it. It has to run its course. With anxiety, there are ways to stop it, but again, sometimes your partner just has a bad day and can’t reach their methods and thought-stopping processes in time. I would encourage you to be supportive, patient, and loving during these episodes. Often times, people with anxiety can recognize when their thoughts are going dark, but at the same time, they may not be able to pull themselves out of it before the point of no return. Do not become frustrated because you cannot help. You help us the most by just being there.

3. Learn everything you can about your partner’s condition.

I cannot emphasize this enough. You will have a difficult time communicating with your partner if you cannot understand what anxiety is or what it feels like. Look up people talking about it, for example. Read everything you can about the condition. And even so, some people end up in counseling themselves to try to understand how to help themselves deal with their partner’s anxiety. If you make the effort to understand, your partner will appreciate it more than you know.

4. The worst thing you can do is shame us about our anxiety.

There isn’t a more horrible feeling in the world than someone telling us to “just get over it” or to “just relax.” These statements show a blatant misunderstanding of the nature of anxiety. Believe me, if it was that simple, we would have done it already. We know our anxiety makes everyone around us feel upset or frustrated about it, but if we could help it, we would. Would you tell a depressed person to just stop being sad?

5. We know how much of a burden our anxiety is, and we do not need a reminder.

This is not to say that you can never express frustration or anger about your partner’s anxiety, but there is a way to say it nicely and in as much of a loving way as possible. If you say it in a negative way, then you’ve triggered or increased the ever-present worries. Sometimes, in the moment, things slip out or aren’t meant to be said. But these are extremely damaging to us, like getting kicked when you’re down. If you want to speak about it, be as gentle as you can. And no, tough love doesn’t feel like love to us.

6. Having a backup plan will make your partner feel a little easier when out in public.

Anxiety and panic attacks wait for no one. These things can happen in public. Anxiety attacks when it wants and where it wants. What happens if you’re on a double date, for example, and your partner suddenly has an anxiety attack? Develop plans with your partner about what to do when these situations happen, like having a signal or key word to indicate that things are heading downhill, and an escape plan to get out of there just in case. This way, we don’t have to have anxiety about our anxiety, which can lead to said anxiety, if you followed me there.

7. Do not speak about your partner’s anxiety unless explicitly given permission to do so.

Mental illness is still very much stigmatized in our culture. We are seen as crazy nuts, or people who just let their mind run wild and don’t bother to control it. One of the more interesting judgments that have been passed upon me is that I have no reason to have anxiety, since I have a roof over my head and clothes to wear. I lack nothing, what is there to worry about?

Mental illness does not discriminate. The last thing I want is for your family and friends to pass judgment or alter their opinion of me because you told them about my anxiety, the exception being when it’s highly visible, such as a panic attack.

8. Sometimes you will be the trigger. Do not take this personally.

No, our anxiety will not magically skip over you just because we are dating you. If anything, being in a relationship adds to the anxiety. There are constant questions about how to reply to your text message asking what we are doing, what happens if we upset you, what does our future look like, and so on. But do not blame yourself in these situations. Do not feel guilty about any anxiety or panic attacks that stem from you. Anxiety is something we have to live with and deal with, in all aspects of our life.

9. Managing anxiety takes time and practice. Patience is greatly appreciated.

While I cannot speak for everyone, I regularly attend therapy where I talk about my most recent anxious moments and learn about cognitive behavioral therapy, a set of techniques used to manage negative thought processes, the very foundation of anxiety itself. Therapy is difficult and challenging, because you have to repeatedly wrestle with your anxiety to learn how to win. We get a lot of homework from our counselors as well. It is hard to cope with failure because perfectionism is in our blood. Be supportive of your partner both when they progress and regress. All battles are easier when you can face them with a partner.

10. Never forget that we love you.

Sometimes anxiety can evolve into rage or depression. It’s a shape-shifter; it takes on a lot of different forms. But in the midst of a bad episode or a difficult time, do not forget that we love you, we care about you, and we appreciate you more than you know. We appreciate you for standing by us when we are at our worst. Our supporters motivate us to keep growing and changing when things seem impossible. And having someone there who genuinely is interested in your well-being and happiness makes the whole “managing” thing easier. Thank you for everything that you do. We love you.

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

The Only Way A Relationship Works The Second Time

Hello loves, ❤

Have you ever broken up with a partner for a short or even long period of time but then find yourself giving them another chance?

It will only work the second time if you trust the other person has changed. If you believe them when they say they are never going to hurt you again. If your head, and not just your heart, thinks getting back together is a good idea. If you have faith you can actually make things work this time around.

It will only work the second time if you fix the issues that caused the breakup in the first place. If you discuss what went wrong and figure out a way to move forward without repeating the mistakes of the past. If you are both willing to make alterations, because if you enter the same toxic relationship you were originally apart of, then it is going to end the same way.

It will only work the second time if you are willing to release the grudges you were holding for so long. If you are able to forgive each other — and mean it. If you both agree to leave the past in the past. If you never bring up ancient mistakes in arguments in order to make a point. If you focus on what you could build together in the future instead of who messed up in the past.

It will only work the second time if you are willing to admit your mistakes. If you are going to take responsibility for your actions. If you are going to say sorry for all the times you hurt them, even if it was unintentional. If you are going to act like adults.

It will only work the second time if you are serious about spending forever together. If you aren’t going to part ways at the first sign of trouble. If you decide that, this time, you are going to work as a team. You are going to stop viewing each other as competition and realize you are on the same side. You are going to fix your problems instead of running away from them.

It will only work the second time if you both want the same things from the future. If you can imagine making the relationship work for more than a few months. If you both agree on whether you want to be exclusive, whether you want to get married, and whether you want to have kids.

It will only work the second time if you are willing to give up your options and abandon the single life. If you are okay with the idea of commitment. If you are ready to settle down. If you are ready to give this other person everything they should have gotten from you in the beginning.

It will only work the second time if you were miserable without each other — for the right reasons. You weren’t miserable because you hated being single. You were miserable because they were your best friend, they were the highlight of your days, they were the best thing that ever happened to you and you hate yourself for letting them get away.

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤